Oh My God, I Quit!!!

In four hours and 23 minutes i will be having the last cigarette of my life. I am soo excited and abjectly terrified at the same time….i actually hate smoking….people think that’s funny because i smoke sooo much, but it’s true…i hate the taste, the smell, the cost, the shame that comes when you are WAY too smart to smoke, ya know it’s slowly killing you, and you STILL go outside in a blizzard to puff away at death.

  I’ve never tried to quit before…i was watching Oprah yesterday (shut up, you know you love Oprah…) and she had that Dr.OZ on talking about quitting smoking…(actually he says you shouldn’t call it quitting smoking, you should call it Breathing Free because even saying smoking will make you want to, and put the thought of smoking in you head…so i guess i’m getting ready to Breathe Free…..)and the stats were pretty shocking…no, not the ones about death and disease, i mean i’m not stupid, i know all of that stuff, but about how insanely addictive cigarettes are….did you know that cigarettes are harder to quit than Heroin? it’s a fact! look it up, i’m not kidding…..and that cigarettes are the ONLY product sold in the U.S. that if used as directed will kill you….and that something like 90% of people who try to quit smoking fail….multiple times before they actually are free….i really hate failure…i mean nobody likes it but it makes me itchy just thinking about failing at Breathing Free, or my career or even one of those stupid online tests….i finally WANT to quit, which is a first for me…but i am so scared…i really don’t want to disappoint all the people that love me and want me to quit…but i feel kinda like  i’ve been dropped on the side of a mountain with a hunting knife and some raisins and been told, “well, good luck! hope you make it back to camp!”…….

while i got ready this week with my Chantix and preping for the Big Day, i found myself crying a lot…losing cigarettes is almost like losing a friend…well the kinda friend that talks bad about you behind your back and tries to sabotage your every move but is always there for you when you are scared or hurt or angry.

 i know that smokes are not my friend, i’m not a looney….but for the last 12 years, they have been my favorite crutch for dealing with icky or enormous feelings…and if you are reading this you have met me so you know that i don’t do feelings in a small way, i feel every single one, good and bad, from my toes to my hair in all their big fat glory…but now,  i’m a little lost and bewildered as to what i’m supposed to for the hard ones…..i’m not too worried about straight up cravings…that’s what the Chantix is for…and i have a game plan (workout, read, take a shower, knit, Sudoku, etc….), and happy and silly are easy without smokes,  but i’m talking about the I’m-so-mad-i-wanna-scream times, or the i-feel-like-my-heart-was-just-ripped-out times…what do normal people do?

i have always been self-destructive…and i want it to end with this. i’m so tired of hurting myself all the time….i think i’m a pretty great person now, i have an amazing life and the best family and friends…i don’t see myself the way i did when all the self destruction made sense anymore, and i feel like if i can get off of this shit, i will finally be free….

my mom quit smoking over six months ago….i am soooooooo proud of her! she smoked for nearly sixty years…i had a pretty kick ass childhood, and my memories of my mom were linked to her smoking, my dad too until i was 11….it is NOT their fault that i smoke, so don’t blame the parents, but i think that is one of the reasons why i have always turned to smoking for comfort…it smelled like my mom, and home…and whats more comforting than that? But now mom smells like soap and flowers, and i’m the only one who smells like an old ashtray….

Lori quit years ago…so did Miranda…my Dad…all the important people started quitting so the allure of that comfort in community addiction was gone….and the whole markus thing. god, he was/is a total chain smoker…so when i missed him, it was another way to link to him to feel connected…thankfully his chapter in my life is over, and finally with my mom quitting…..there is no one left in this hell but me….so it’s time to get out.