The last cigarette of my life

the last cigarette of my life was at 11:59pm, January 23, 2008. it was disgusting and made me cough…i was trying to really enjoy it, being the last one and all….so i was taking deep and long drags…and it just made my throat hurt and my lungs burn…and it smelled horrible…and i put it out and wondered….at what point was that fun? i remember in the first year that i smoked, i wasn’t addicted, sometimes i went days or a week between cigarettes…did that acrid, dusty smell all over everything, and the hot burning down my throat, did that used to do something for me? I don’t think i’ve ever felt more like a drug addict, i mean isn’t that what addicts do? something horrible and yucky and destructive and painful that is actually no fun at all…but they just keep doing it over and over and over again?

i figured i had better come up with an immediate game plan, for the time after THE LAST ONE until the time i went to sleep or i would lose my mind, so i decided the first thing to do was get rid of all the smoking paraphenalia….which incidentily ammounted to half a carton of cigarettes, 9 lighters, 6 ashtrays, a small garbage can, and a very nauseating assortment of butts….i don’t know if its the Chantix or what, but stopping for a second in this cleaning frenzy to actually smell those cigarette butts, i almost had to run to the bathroom and vomit, it was awful

so i wonder, how have i missed that all these years? did i just selectively ignore that penetrating odor, and how incredibly hypocritical am i? i wash and moisturize and deodorize and purfume, powder and body spray myself to high heaven because smelling bad is a phobia of mine…but i was willing to wrap myself in that stench?! that my friends, has been an insult to the olefactory genius of the Houses of Dior, Gucci, and Serge Lutens, respectively….one for which i deeply apologize.

my room, the site of that final fag, still smells gross. i tried to go down to my laundry room to wash my sheets and pillow cases to get rid of it, but it’s locked for the night…maybe i should put Vicks Vapo Rub up my nose to go to sleep, like the medical examiners do in the crime thrillers i like to read….just kidding…mostly. i just want the smell to be gone, it’s making me anxious!! oh well, going to turn up the air purifyer and watch some t.v……and wait…..