Heppamatitus.

Do you know how very odd and surreal it is to be at a 12-step meeting? i hope you don’t, for obvious reasons….but i went to my first one on thursday night and…Wow.  it IS just like it is in the movies! i went to Nicotine  Anonymous (not kidding, it actually exists on an international level now as yet another spin-off of the AA program), and is run the same way with the “Hi My name is and this is the junk i’m addicted to…” part, and the catchy slogans and prayers part, and the telling your story part…..now i am not knocking the program AT ALL, it has done wonders for millions, however, i don’t think it is a good fit for me. 

 i felt like i was in this moldy church basement with actors playing parts, it was so much the way you see in movies with the assorted people from every walk of life who were just a little….off…..it didn’t seem like it could be real…i felt very uncomfortable there.  I had no idea what was going to happen, and in what order, and what to DO….there are no introductions, explanations, instructions…all of which makes me itchy!! don’t tell my dad, but i secretely love order and rules… (Mom! i said DON’T tell dad….what, you thought u were the only one with eyes in the back of your head?)  i was hoping to just hide out in the back of the basement and get some idea of what was going on when they ambushed me with a direct question… “how many days?” and i said “how many days what?” and they answered “how many days sober?”….umm, What?   i furiously looked around to find a sign to make sure i was at the right meeting, because the meeting in that room the hour before had actually been AA so i thought maybe i was in the wrong place or something…but no, they call stopping smoking “Sobriety”. now i get that is the way they refer to all addictions, and holy moses, i totally get that cigs are more addictive then Heroin…but c’mon…isn’t “sobriety” a wee bit dramatic for smoking? until i found out that everyone else in the room was practically a career 12-stepper (not to be confused with career High-stepper…completely different).

they would say their names and then go thru the laundry list of junk they had been  shooting in their veins, pouring down their throats and jamming in their mouths….Booze, Pills, Gambling, Coke, IV Drugs…u name it, somebody there had smoked it,tried it, used it, snorted it, etc, and was totally comfortable telling us all about it……. i felt so absurd being in the room with these horror stories that i started to nervously giggle in the middle of someone giving “testimony”…i.e. telling their story.

the individual in question was on the other side of the room,  a very large and middle aged woman talking about “n then i los ma baby to the welfare n hadda been done gone d’th’clinic, n ‘em had tol me i got the Heppamatitus from mah IV Drrrugs.”….yes, i feel like an absolute jerk and total snob because a giggle escaped my shaking sholders. i’m probably going to hell….but i was NOT laughing at the woman’s cleary very real and painful struggle, i was laughing at the fact that i couldn’t tell if she was speaking english or alienese for the first few minutes, and that this poor lady thinks she has some disease that sounds like Hippopotamus! I half expected someone to do an interrupt-share (not supposed to do that..)about how they only got a Camel  or maybe a Pack-Mule from their drugs…..

needless to say, i don’t believe i will go back…. but it’s not because of the Hippopotomous lady…..the people were all really interesting, and their life stories facinating in a very voyeristic way which i loved, but it IS Nicotine Anonymous, so eventually the person would get around to talking about cigarettes, and every mention of the word made me wanna light up! i think one person used the words “smoke” and “cigarette” about 50 times in a four minute period, and it felt like reminding myself of what i couldn’t have so i said to myself “fuck this. i’m goin to DD for some coffee….” and i did.

nights are the worst…i loved talking on the phone and smoking, reading and smoking,….pretty much everything that i had mentally designated as the “relaxation” portion of my day is the hardest to get thru now….but it’s been 54 hours now…2.5 days about, the longest smoking cessation of my life…and some minutes i even forget i ever Was a smoker, which is kinda crazy, but an exhilerating feeling….so i’m doing it, choosing hour after hour NOT to have that cigarette, and i’m doing it!….One Day At A Time……