Funeral for a Friend

5 days….and most of the time it isn’t hard…but tonight sucked!! i was stressed and upset and lonely, and i just lost it! bawling on my bed like a child with a broken heart…and i hate to admit it, but as horrible as cigarettes were to me, i feel like i’ve lost a best friend. the kind i can turn to when i’m hurt, angry, scared and alone, who will be there for me no matter what’s going on in their lives, that i can count on in any situation to be there to make me feel like i’m not so alone, like it isn’t me against the entire world….. people are fallible. even the best of friends can be unreachable in times of emotional distress, or busy with their own stresses and lives….but cigarettes were always there (i know cuz I bought ‘em)…it made me care less that i was alone with whatever hurt or mad i was dealing with…i felt like i was ok by myself because i had this crutch to lean on….sure it was killing me, but at least it was there…and i don’t trust a lot of people so easily, and it automatically set up this wall between me and everyone else that i was comfortable with,  it helped create space and a protective barrier for me i think……..

now it’s just me, in all my imperfect humanness, with every ounce of my overemotional, oversensitive nature looking back at me in the mirror, with all my strengths and all of my achielles heels…and i just don’t feel like i’m enough of anything standing out here on my own like this… not good enough, strong enough, smart enought, talented enough….it’s like without the smokes i’m suddenly staring my every fear and insecurity in the face…..it’s really hard, and scary. i don’t know where to put all of that yet.   so i’m just sitting with it, warily, like adversaries on neutral ground, each with our finger on the trigger….and waiting…..and today waiting like that, having a serious cry or two, and not smoking over and over again is the best i can do

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