Katrosered’s Weblog











i feel like a beached whale….one of my biggest concerns about quitting smoking was gaining weight, and it’s like a nightmare come true….i’ve gained 7 lbs in 10 days, and i feel fat and gross….i knew it was a possibility, it’s always been one of my biggest objections to quitting, actually, not that i’m proud of that but it’s the truth…so i went back to WW today, and still managed to eat myself thru half of manhattan….and i don’t know why….i’m full and i keep eating….am i bored? antsy? lonely? what is it? it’s like a compulsion, like i know i should stop and i don’t…it doesn’t make me feel very good, so why do i do it? i feel ashamed of myself in class because everyone has noticed that i’m packing on the lbs…one girl even used me as an example of yo-yo dieting to  my face….”i mean talk about yo-yo…Rose goes from thin to average every other month!!” and that made me feel like shit. i don’t wanna audition because i feel so fat and embarassed that i can’t get this under control….with weight gain it’s like everyone in the world can see that i’m a failure, and that makes me sad….i wish i could just naturally settle into a happy weight, but i think that will never happen for me…i even avoided my favorite dance teacher for the last month because i know how dissapointed in me he will be….a few months ago, when i was 15 lbs less, he told me how great i looked and how proud he was that i finally got my weight under control, and i was so happy about that, i felt so great about the way i looked, and now i feel like an ugly failure, and a joke…..why is it that i can quit cigarettes, but not get a handle on my eating? why do i insist on sabotaging myself all the damn time? it’s like if i get one thing really right, the other things in my life go to shit….and i know i am the one in control….so why do i feel so helpless and powerless here? right now i’m so ashamed of my body, i don’t even want to leave my house….and every minute that i stay here, i hate myself a little bit more…what do i do? how do i get a handle on this? i hate looking in the mirror and crying…….but most of all i hate feeling like at every turn i let myself and all of the people who believe in me down…..



et cetera
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